beneath-e-pale-moonlight: March 2009

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I don't know what i want anymore.
i'm confused, i can no longer explain myself.

Account Test Result is out, 17/20 %, the taste of sucess taste so sweet. I just can't have enough of it. I can hardly remember when was the last time i felt this sensation. It lit my long lost drive again, it's addictive, i want more.

I'm sick of fighting for trivia things, this is something i can be proud of and nobody can contest that.
It makes me miss those days.

Back at SIM again today for the marketing assignment. Guess who i saw? Hiak... Those days came back to visit again. Missed those canoeing guys.

Sometimes i do not know why i behave in a certain way.

I do not know why i view the things i do more important than anything else.

I do not know why i find the act of sacrifice repulsive.

I do not know why i find myself lacking the capacity to love or feel love.

Perhaps i've changed...

Sometimes I no longer know who i'm, i act in manners that surprises me.

Perhaps adapting to this world has changed me.

There is no explanation, i tried and i found non.

Perhaps the very thought of success may be cruel in nature.

By wanting success, u may have just opened Pandora's box.

WTF... I'm seriously emo today.

3/31/2009 01:51:00 PM | Permalink |

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Rush Rush...
Oh my god, project still not completed, Accounting paper coming up on 25 Apr and i've yet to study. My COF from 28 Mar to 06 Apr has not been approved yet and i've yet to move my leave for my exam. Damn.

I shall not take anymore standby. Dammit... Damn Shag.

I lost to a Civic last night. i just do not have the pick up response. I need to ZENG my car.

Haha... But at least i managed to get the last carpark lot at my block basement carpark... I just hate to walk over to next block's multistory carpark. U have to take lifts up and down before u could reach your car. One lift down to the first floor, then walk over to next block and take the lift up to which ever level. Sian...

This is the first time i parked the parallel parking lots anyway, haha... Seems like quite a tight fit though. i hardly moved an inch before the reverse sensor started beeping.

3/26/2009 01:33:00 PM | Permalink |

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

How to manage it all...
Accountancy Exam date is out, now i just need the date for the Marketing Exam. damn... can't they be more efficient. I need the dates! Deadline for the application of unpaid leave is on the last day of this month. 6 more days to go. Can u believe this rubbish, it's so hard to seek approval even when it's at my own expense and they have everything to gain. Oh well... till the day u sit right at the top, u are just everyone else's bitches...

Bending over and sore asses is a way of life, well at least for now.

Dammit... how am i ever gonna fit all of it together. To study, ace it and earn money all at the same time? If i could ever accomplish such a feat u would be impressed. I would fuck anyone who think otherwise. Hiak hiak...

Fucking shit, i got called up for SGN turn, can u believe this? oh my god... It's only a half day standby and i would be having my AALV tomolo and they still called me up, those buggers better return me my offdays. Twice i've been called up for flight before my Annual Leave and they have yet to return me the offdays. I'm not cheap nor free ok? I work my ass off everyday, have some god damn respect ya.

Anyway a few days back i changed for a MNL that turned out to be so damn full. FULL as in u know those weekends at shopping center car park with it signs outside saying "CARPARK FULL" and there are still cars circling inside and car queuing outside? Yah... It's that FULL alright.

haha... look at the long queue, we just about almost board with the pax lor.

Seriously lah... How much profit would be considered enough... If meeting a projected profit target is possible, would u say good and well done? or would u consider the fact that it's possible to generate more since a difficult feat could be accomplished, perhaps u could ask for a little more? Would u acknowledge someone's effort is ever enough or tell them they could have done more? Then when is "more" ever enough? human desires are limitless... Therefore i should say no amount of "a little more effort" is ever enough, there will always be more. Enough is finite, u can't use something finite to fill infinite, it will never happen.

People will always say they are not making money.

Perhaps i should say money has an infinite measurement, the term "more" or "less" is not applicable since no limit ever exist as a constant for measurement, therefore when u have money, there can never be enough.

But then again, is it wrong to ask for more? It's only human.

Therefore everyone has the right to ask, u, me and everyone else, then why tell me what i cannot have since u can have it?

Perhaps one reason is that the pie is only so big. A finite supply to meet the infinite demands, someone must have the smaller piece of pie and everyone is say "it's definately not me", and the one that has the power has the speaking rights.

"tou-ché"

Na bei... last sunday i parked my car at civic square carpark and when i came back after meeting for project discussion i found this freaking lorry parked so close to my car lor. Basket! na bei... give some space lah!

3/25/2009 12:52:00 PM | Permalink |

Friday, March 20, 2009

Overwhelmed...
oh my god, i've been overwhelmed by my own life. Seriously, i feel lost. I'm burnt, i'm tired, my dwindling spirit needs rejuvenation.

I thot it would never be so difficult.
I believe everything is humanly possible,
but i realised it's only possible when u are in control.
SO far nothing seems to be in control.
Perhap there are things i have control over,
but hardly enough to make a difference.
Exams dates are not out yet,
closing date of leaves is fast approaching.
Group Assignment is barely done.
i've yet to study for my exams.
Fucking roster has so many Standby's that no one wants.
Changing of flights seems nearly impossible as people haggle over offdays, money and flights...
Everybody seems to want it all, all the flights, without all the work and with all the money. In every way they contradict themselves.
Sleeping 4 - 5 hours a night on stretch has taken it's toll on my body,
i'm falling sick, i can't concentrate, i can no longer focus my thoughts.
Work is repeatative, i'm mearly going thru the motion.
Study is near impossible as i try to catch my drifting mind, trying to hold it in place at least till break time.
I sometimes find myself spaced out while driving. I ran a red light once because of that. I was lucky there was no traffic.
I can only hope for the best.
It will be a miricle for me to clear my degree.
To wish for a distinction is nearly impossible...
Yet, dispite all these odds, i do not know why i still struggle on,
holding onto these fragile hope and dreams.
Perhaps it's not these hopes and dreams that is keeping me alive
but rather me keeping my hopes and dreams alive.

I just hope everything would just fall into place.
I'm tired.

3/20/2009 03:15:00 PM | Permalink |

Monday, March 16, 2009

I need to change my life...
i'm getting fat, something i thot would never happened. School work are getting backlogged and i'm feeling so drained despite not doing anything at all.

I need better appropriation of time.

Things need changing.

Time for me to go for regular runs. Reservist is just round the corner, and fat fucks are not welcome in camp.

i should start studying for exams regularly. No point just trying to scrape thru, it's a waste of precious time for minimum gain.

I should have a proper sleeping pattern.

My piano is still sitting there, in desperate need of tuning.

I should watch TV less, it's taking up precious time. An hour of visual entertainment for an hour of work, it's too much of a waste. Somehow my eyes are just glued to that googlebox.

Sacrifices have to be made, u just can't have everything.

HIAK HIAK...
Drove back home from the airport last night with the least amount of fuel. Seem like u could actually stretch it a little further. Hiak i always wanted to do that. It's like WWII navy pilots trying to fly back to the carrier on "a wing and a prayer" haha...

Haha... i took this picture as i was driving out of Airport carpark 3A.

And someone in a Honda Stream tried to race me home. Hahaha... OH well... No blinking warning lights yet, what the heck, GAME ON..., well a 2l vs a 1.6l isn't exactly a fair flight, but over-reving engines to beat a smaller capacity one doesn't exactly reflects very well on the capacity of your car especially when u have all these showy stickers... Lane 1 looks on in astonishment... What the hell... Vroooooommm... HIAK.

Hmmm... can i just strike TOTO or 4D, my car needs tuning.

OH... and i've discovered something!
If u report sick for a flight before RX99, it will not disrupt the RX99.
HAHA...

See the MCFP on the 13th? hiak... 14th's RX99 still maintains. No standbys! haha... YEAH...

3/16/2009 12:19:00 PM | Permalink |

Sunday, March 15, 2009

25 Random things PLUS PLUS...
although i've mentioned this in my facebook notes, there is never enough "25 random things" to fill up my other random things. Therefore here is the continuation. Oh hell, i just need to express myself once more.

26) i wished i had more money.
Yes i do have enough to fulfil my immediate needs such as repayments of loans, school fees and such, but i wished i had some to spare to splurge on indulgence such as zeng my ride, set up my dream wireless network in my house, get my dream set of dive gears and own a PS3 or an XBOX 360. Can u believe it? i still dun own a console.

27) i actually like working my ass off.
Rather than choose not to have work, i kind of like working, the more and harder the work, the more it defines a person, stress doesn't really kill u anyway, it bends u, stretch u to new heights, break limits and setting new ones. At most, worse come to worst, u'll just break. U won't even know what hit u. Painless. hiak hiak... Twisted...

28) Wished for at least once in my life, i could graduate with distinction. My god, the elusive dream that has escape my grasp for ages. DAMMIT. This time round, u are mine baby. Yeahhhhh...

29) Sigh... wished i could just treat my other half better, but unfortunately what i could give is only so much. I guess all my ex-gf could agree with that, hiak hiak..., i want so much out of life that i may have took whatever i could have given them for myself. Perhaps i'm being selfish, but time could only spare u so much, u stole time from your sleep, from your family and friends, ultimately it's never enough...

It's a difficult choice, your personal development or the development of relationship.
Which would u choose?

Perhaps things might be different in the future. Somewhere along the line, things change, certain things will slow down and give way to others. Perhaps time is all about timing after all. There will be a right time for everything. Waiting the the difficult part.

Maybe i need a rest, i've been dragging myself thru life everyday, perhaps i could just stop and smell the flowers and feel the breeze. Nothiness might be good for me. That is if u could just blind me from the competitive world first. HIAK.

30) I guess it's hard for people to understand me as i myself dun understand myself sometimes. Guess we all do that, u can't predict anything as dynamic as the brain and anything that has one, it does not has fixed algorithms and even it does have, there would been too many to comrehend.

Perhaps its complexity is in relation to life's numerous everchanging variables.
There are no fix set of rules for something as inconsistant as life. Welcome to the rollercoaster. YEAH.

31) I am NOT trying to show off my ability to write, if u ever considered what i wrote on my blog as showing off. it's just my flow of thoughts. I prefer writing to stimulate thinking over account reporting. Well, i do talk about the past, but the future is not fixed and thus there's more to write about.

Besides there are too many grammatical and spelling error. haha... LOL.

Ok, if u like account reporting, here's some for u.

Yesterday i went to IT show 2009 at suntec and it's freaking packed! just take a bloody good look at this.

And my dear gal bought a notebook that was super value for money considering the specs was more than reasonable for the price. I even have my doubts, it was too good to be true, but it was true afterall. I went back and went thru all the system hardware, and i'm impressed! It was really a bargain, i mean it was not the drop dead top of the range type but it wasn't bad, infact it was good! Well... that will sure dig into their profit.

Only way they would ever profit is to sell in bulk and i mean ALOTTTTT... something like 10 set for each promoter each day. Small profit margin with large volume. Hiak Hiak... Sale orientated. SELL OR DIE, DUN ASK WHY... COMMANDO! hiak hiak...

Quick Quick... someone guess the price.

Ok... time to go prepare for my SGN, hope it's really light today. Dun really feel like "defining" myself today. haha... It's not laziness, just that the thought of occupying myself with some other thing more productive such as studying for the EXAMS, kept disrupting my zeal to slog the day in the field... Hiak... anyway each day we do the same old all shit, the same shit, just different day only. HIAK HIAK...

oh and 32) I miss breathing in nitrogen. DAMMIT... itching for some diving already...

3/15/2009 12:09:00 PM | Permalink |

Monday, March 09, 2009

Of Jammed Style and Rashnessness
Serously, there are times i made the rashest of decision ending up "jamming my own style", as my cousin calls it and now i'm stuck in this draggy state of delusion. Some people can derive pleasure thru conning themselves. I know i can't, it's just not my style.

Well, clock doesn't run backwards, perhaps only option would be to "hang in there", tagging along with time, hoping for an eventual turn of events and that all would be in my favour.

Some decisions just can't be made, even if the outcome doesn't kill u, your conscious will.

Anyway back home from frankfurt, my first europe flight for the year. heee... Pontang one marketing class to make this trip. haha... Man i'm still so tired. Bogged down by project and tests that are draining me dry.

Anyhow i was glad i made this Frankfurt. Got to catch up with my cousin who was rostered this flight with me, stocked up on my chocolates and sausages and earn some well needed dough.

Oh as well as a revisit to the pasta joint. Missed those spinach.

Damn i'm so dead beat, burnt out and jetlagged...

I want to sleep. I want to watch my TV.

Damn...

3/09/2009 02:43:00 PM | Permalink |

Monday, March 02, 2009

The School Nationals
While watching TV, Chanel 5 aired it's trailer for it's new program. Starting 4 Mar, Channel 5 will be featuring National School Sports Championship. How i wished i was young again. Those were the days of glory, medal winning and trash talks.

Missed those days of losers crying, as if the world has died, dumbass breaking their equipment in angrish defeats, (haha... my personal favourite) and the funny things people tried to do to win. haha... I remembered i saw a particular JC sat in a row meditating. oh ho ho ho ho... My god, comic relief for pre-race stress for the rest of the competitors. Hmmm... i wonder those jokers still does that or not. haha...

Well, if u are good u are good, u don't have to try too hard to win. I have never came back without a medal in any race. hmmmm... speaking of which i wonder can i sell my national medals for any cash. hahaha... Too many with too little place to keep.

Personally i prefer medals coz they save more space, i bloody hate throphy lor, take up so much space. Particularly with people like me who win 4 or 5 per year u will run out of space very soon. hahahaha...

I love trash talks. haha...

But those were the days and it's time to move on. But once in a while it doesn't hurt to bask in past glories. Let it soak in for a moment or so and then we'll move on again. Smiling at those times u trash talked your opponents, look of their lost hope and desperation when they lost to u, haha... Priceless...

Victory still taste so sweet after so long... MmmmmMMMmmmMMmmmm....

3/02/2009 04:41:00 PM | Permalink |

beneath-e-pale-moonlight

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Friday, March 20, 2009

Monday, March 16, 2009

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Monday, March 09, 2009

Monday, March 02, 2009

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